How To Make Adult Friends In Your 20s, 30s, And Beyond
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No matter what your age, making adult friends can be a struggle. Learn how to make friends and build lasting relationships in your 20s, 30s, and beyond!
How to make adult friends
Making friends seems easy when you're young, but it can be trickier as an adult. Whether you've just moved to a new city or simply want to expand your social circle, there are plenty of ways to make adult friends and find meaningful relationships in your 20s, 30s, and beyond.
12 Tips For Making Friends As An Adult
At the beginning of the year, I made a goal to make more friends. I created this vision board with a bunch of goals and dreams, and one photo is a goal of having friends and preferably ones that I have things in common with like crafting together. I hoped after one year I would achieve my goal of having friends and I could maybe make a YouTube video about it. But I was actually able to do it in one month, way faster than I ever thought possible. Instead of waiting a full year, I’m going to talk about it now. I want to get these tips that I followed out into the world so that you’re able to make friends right away.
Tip 1 - Make a list of your friends
Make a list of your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. On day one of my 30-day friend challenge, I took my phone out and opened the notes app, and wrote down the people I’ve hung out with in the past year or two. Even people you’ve lost touch with that you’d like to hang out with again, write their names down. I had a much larger list than I thought, with 7 people I could reach out to.
Tip 2 - Decide what kind of friends you’re looking for
Identify the kinds of people you do and don’t want to spend time with (I was hanging out with people a lot younger than me and it made me feel a bit old and immature). When I was hanging out with my 21-year-old friends I realized I wasn’t getting my needs met, like having a meaningful conversation that would help me grow as a person, which is what I’m really looking for in a friend. I decided to slowly stop being friends with them and pursue friends that were around my age.
Maybe you have friends that are always causing drama, or they talk over you in conversation, they’re self-centered, they complain, or they always try to one-up you. Or maybe you made the decision you don’t want to have kids and your friend who has kids pressures you about when you’re going to be a mom, they don’t respect your boundaries. Give yourself permission to not be friends with those people anymore and find new people that fit you better.
Tip 3 - Take action and ask for friends
Put it out there that you want friends. Invite someone to coffee, ask if they want a hiking buddy, and ask that Instagram friend you have if they want to have a zoom call. I know it’s weird. I know it’s awkward. I know rejection is scary. But if you’re hoping for the perfect friend to fall out of the sky and want to be best friends instantly without any initiative, it’s probably not going to happen. If you’re serious about wanting to make friends, you have to push yourself a bit to make it happen.
Don’t limit yourself by labeling yourself as an introvert, or labeling yourself as someone who can’t make friends. I’ve done this and all you’re doing is limiting your own abilities and limiting your potential. Like everything in life, it takes practice. Saying “I’m not good at making friends” is like saying “I’m not good at sewing” but if you practice enough you will get better at it.
Tip 4 - Handle rejection gracefully
Deal with rejection, rejection can be hard but when it comes to making friends, you have to let it go. The person you ask to be friends with might have a lot going on or maybe they feel like they have too many friends and they don’t even have enough time for them. Or maybe they made a decision on what kind of friends they want to have and they’re focusing on mom friends and you don’t have kids. That isn’t personal against you, it’s just what they’re prioritizing in their life and there’s nothing wrong with that.
You can hear my personal stories about struggling with making friends in the video above.
Tip 5 - Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
Did you make one friend? I am so proud of you. I am also going to push you to try to make another one. That friend might go through a busy season in life like buying a house, having a kid, starting a new career, getting married, where they can’t spend time with you and that’s totally okay. Having a few friends is a great way to still get your friend fix and not take things personally if your other friend can’t see you.
Tip 6 - Keep your eyes peeled for friendship opportunities
An acquaintance of mine that I only met once made a Facebook status saying, “Is anyone free on Friday and want to go float on the lake?”. I commented yes, we exchanged phone numbers and we floated out in a lake in tubes all day. It was awesome and I took the initiative to respond to that friendship opportunity. We’ve been friends for three years now!
By the way, the book that taught me about searching for these opportunities is The Success Principles. That book is the whole reason I started this goal, it’s an amazing book and I highly recommend it.
Tip 7 - Find local groups, sports, and clubs
I’ve been to all these events/clubs in pursuit of friends: PFLAG, swing dancing, virtual pen pal group, book club, and craft clubs. Meetup.com is a great resource and so are local Facebook groups. You’ll probably get some duds doing this, for instance, I went to a craft meetup in my area and there were only three people there besides me and we didn’t vibe very well. Don’t let that deter you from your goal, your friends are out there!
Tip 8 - Your family can be your friends too
We want to appreciate our family members while we have them in our lives. This applies if you have family members who are loving and respect your boundaries. If you don’t have a good relationship with family members, I’m not telling you to be friends with them, I’m a big champion of cutting people out that don’t treat you right. But if you do have a family member that you get along with, prioritize spending time with them. Out of all the friends I have and will make in the future, I think the two people I’ll be the most grateful I spent time with will be my parents.
Tip 9 - Show appreciation
Tell your friends, coworkers, acquaintances, old friends, how much you appreciate them and want to hang out more. You never know what person feels the same way and wants to be friends with you. I ended up working at the same place as a former co-worker (We worked together ten years ago). I told her how much I loved hanging out with her back in the day and she agreed, we reconnected and hung out all over again!
Tip 10 - Say yes to everything
I read this tip a few years ago in an article about going through a breakup, the author (I don’t remember who) said that she decided to say yes to every invitation thrown her way. Want to get coffee? Want to stay up all night and watch the stars? Whatever the request, your answer is yes (as long as you feel comfortable of course). It’s a way to get out of your comfort zone and not sit in front of the TV watching Harry Potter and thinking about how you don’t have any friends.
I did this when I was feeling particularly lonely a while back and I said yes to a bunch of things. I went to my very first Halloween party which ended up being a blast and I went to a fire spinning night and I learned how to spin fire. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had and it wouldn’t have happened if I said “Nah that’s past my bedtime”.
Tip 11 - Meet a new person every day
Another radical thing that I tried after going through a breakup was something I read in an article, get to know one new person every day. This one was the hardest out of all the things I did. I drove myself to a local coffee shop and would sit there trying to get the nerve to talk to someone new. The very first time I tried to do it I couldn’t bring myself to do it so I left the coffee shop. But on my way out I was standing at a crosswalk and a guy stood next to me while we were waiting for the light to change. We both ended up walking to the same park. I walked over to him and asked if I could talk to him for a bit. He said yes and I asked him some questions about his life, he told me how he met his wife and how he knew the moment he met her that they would get married. We didn’t end up being friends but I learned a lot from that interaction. I did this a few different times whenever I was out and it was really interesting hearing people’s stories. I didn’t make a friend this way but maybe you will.
Tip 12 - Start your own friend group
If you find yourself saying “My town doesn’t have a book club, ski club, craft club, fire spinning group, swing dancing group, rock climbing group, etc.” then what are you waiting for? Start your own in your town! There are probably other people wishing someone would start it. You can use a room in your local library to host a craft group or book club. Create a Facebook group and invite people to a monthly beach volleyball meetup at a public beach. Create a Discord server for people that like animal crossing! The possibilities are endless but having a hobby is a must.
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